Clara Sophia

Ok, I feel a bit exposed in this post...

In the beginning I had hope, that everything was for a reason and that I would be able to live my life in the way that I should, the way that I could and would. It was so hard for me to think of bringing another child into this world without knowing how I was going to provide for you, and my other two children, and myself. But I had hope. Hope for what the future could bring, of how bright it could be, of how peaceful it could be. I knew how it could be but was still having trouble seeing it. But that is how most things are in life, first faith, then blessings are sure to come. Soon my hope turned to faith, however small it may have been. And just when I felt so emotionally drained, weak, achy, in pain from being pregnant, and at my whit's end with it all, I knew without a doubt that this was all supposed to happen. I think I had to get to my lowest point before I could grow... It is kind of weird, I can't really explain it very well, but it was like a light finally turned on and I was able to see what little things that I was stumbling on in the dark. It was so clear... Just the same way that D.J. and Annie were supposed to come to me, so were you. I named you Clara, which means "brilliantly clear." It is so brilliantly clear why I have you, why I have my D.J. and Annie, why everything has happened the way it has. Clara, I love you with all my heart. I love everything about you, you are so smiley and such a good baby!!! I feel like you have always been here, and I honestly feel a little sheepish for not understanding the whole picture until a month before I brought you into the world. I know that I will be able to support my little family. I have been blessed so much. I have gotten into nursing school, something that has been on my goal list for literally years. It is a good profession and I am sooo excited for it. But it means more to me than just a career, it is a means to an end. It means that I CAN do this! I can provide for you, and it will all be ok! I love my family and I love my life. I wouldn't change any part of it for anything in this world.

Anticipation....

Dear D.J.,
I am so glad that you are my son. You are so bright and full of life! I love the look in your eyes that you get sometimes when you tell something that makes you happy. It is like your whole countenance lights up and you just can't contain yourself. I named you David, after your father but also after David from the bible. I named you that to remind you that you are a wonderful person who has a lot going for them. Also so that you will always remember that at any point in your life, you will have things that will be hard for you to overcome and get through but it all depends on how you choose to act and respond that will determine what kind of outcome you will have. We always have the choice. I love you so much and I feel so honored to be your mommy. The first few years of your life I was lucky to be able to be with you 100% of the time, you were my little buddy. You were my entire life and it made me so happy to do everything with you. Thank you for coming into my life and making me realize more about life and what it is all about.

Dear Annie,
When I became pregnant with you, I was sure that I just wasn't ready for another child. Now I can't even imagine my life without you. You are so sweet and so loving that it melts my heart on a daily basis. You just have a way with getting everyone to do exactly what you want and then wrapping them around your little finger. And you do it in a way that makes everyone just absolutly love you!!! You are continually growing up way too fast. I only wish that I could be with you more. I named you Annabelle for Anna, the mother of Samuel the child prophet in the bible. She wanted a child for many years. She prayed and promised the Lord that if she had a child, that child would be dedicated to the Lord. It was only then that she was blessed because of her great faith. She was an amazing woman with an even greater faith and because of that, she was blessed along with many many others. The "Belle" part of your name means beautiful, which you most certainly are. Annabelle, I love you. Your middle name is Frances, after your great grandmother. She past away when I was only 5 years old, but I was very close to her and I look forward to seeing her again some day.

Thank you to my wonderful children who have come into my life and opened my eyes to unshakable, perfect love. I don't know what I ever did to deserve you or why, but I would do it over 1,000 times. Everyday I am amazed at how vibrant and full you have made my life. My entire way of thinking has changed because of you. I would do anything for you. You have brought meaning into my life and filled it with pure joy. My life is hard, being a mom is hard. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is what is best for you even if you don't want it. I am not a perfect mom and I always make mistakes. Sometimes I lose my cool and overreact, but I am trying to improve just like we all have changes to make. As hard as everything has been, I wouldn't trade a single second of it for anything. Thank you for showing me what life is really about. Thank you for filling my soul and making me a better person. Thank you for showing me every day how to love unconditionally. Thank you for making me a mother. There is nothing that could ever make me happier than the sweet sound uttered by my babies calling "mommy."

Annabelle turned three!!!

I really can't believe that my baby girl has turned three. Three always sounds so old, like just a little kid, which I reluctantly have to say that she now is. I am so lucky to have had the privledge of being her mommy and watching her grow and change from a sweet and innocent baby, to a walking and talking toddler, to a three-year-old little girl. She is growing up so fast, I just wish she would slow down sometimes. It really does feel like yesterday I was taking her home from the hospital. My, how I love this little girl.

Sleeping Angel. Annabelle 3 weeks old, in her blessing dress.
1st Birthday
2nd Birthday
Notice the difference in ammount of hair she has at 1 year and 2 years.

3rd Birthday
We actually got very few pictures of her smiling. We have never had a big party for her but we decided it was time. Something that we didn't know about Annie, she is not much of a party girl. She spent most of her party pouting and throwing fits, which she rarely does.
She did this a lot...... Even though her dad tried desperately to comfort her.

Happy Birthday Annie!!! The past three years with you have been bliss. You are irresistible to fall in love with, even when you are frowning.

A New Post is coming...

Shocking, I know. But don't hold your breathe for too long... I am just desperately searching my house high and low for my camera cords so I can post some pictures. :)

Something to do when you're bored.

Here are the rules:Bold the things you’ve done and post on your blog!

Started your own blog
Slept under the stars
Played in a band
Visited Hawaii
Watched a meteor shower
Given more than you can afford to charity
Been to Disneyland
Climbed a mountain
Held a praying mantis
Sang a solo
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea
Taught yourself an art from scratch
Adopted a child
Had food poisoning
Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
Grown your own vegetables
Seen the Mona Lisa in France
Slept on an overnight train
Had a pillow fight
Hitch hiked
Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
Built a snow fort
Held a lamb
Gone skinny dipping
Run a Marathon
Ridden in a gondola in Venice
Seen a total eclipse
Watched a sunrise or sunset
Hit a home run
Been on a cruise
Seen Niagara Falls in person
Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
Seen an Amish community
Taught yourself a new language
Had enough money to be truly satisfied
Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
Gone rock climbing
Seen Michelangelo’s David
Sang karaoke
Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
Visited Africa
Walked on a beach by moonlight
Been transported in an ambulance
Had your portrait painted
Gone deep sea fishing
Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Gone to a drive-in theater
Been in a movie
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Taken a martial arts class
Visited Russia
Served at a soup kitchen
Sold Girl Scout Cookies
Gone whale watching
Got flowers for no reason
Donated blood, platelets or plasma
Gone sky diving
Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
Bounced a check
Flown in a helicopter
Saved a favorite childhood toy
Visited the Lincoln Memorial
Eaten Caviar
Pieced a quilt
Stood in Times Square
Toured the Everglades
Been fired from a job
Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
Broken a bone
Been a passenger on a motorcycle
Seen the Grand Canyon in person
Published a book
Visited the Redwoods
Bought a brand new car
Walked in Jerusalem
Had your picture in the newspaper
Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
Visited the White House
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Had chickenpox
Saved someone’s life
Sat on a jury
Met someone famous
Joined a book club
Got a tattoo
Had a baby
Seen the Alamo in person
Swam in the Great Salt Lake
Been involved in a law suit
Owned a cell phone
Been stung by a bee

Now, go forth and prove your life is more exciting than mine...

A Nearly Perfect Day

Sorry guys, this post is a doozey!

Most of you know that David and I have come to the realization that we cannot stay married. We really are just better at being friends than lovers. We have tried to make things work so many times but now we know and are both finally able to face the reality of it all. When we separated last time, we both still had hurt feelings and were still holding on to things that should just be let go. This time we are both on the same page about things and really feel it is best for both of us to be happy and just be who we are. We both love our children dearly and we know that we will always maintain a good friendship with each other for our precious angels. I do not regret marrying him and staying with him for nearly seven years. I have learned so much about myself, about him, about our children, about life that I might never would have had the chance to had I not stayed with him. The way that we choose to act, to learn, shapes who we are. We cannot control everything (one of many things I learned) but we can control what our experiences make us into. This whole experience has only made me stronger, and for that I am grateful.



Anyway.... The good day started last Wednesday when I got to surprise D.J. by taking the day off work and going to the zoo with D.J.'s class. He was so happy that I got to take him to school even, the whole way there he had a grin from ear to ear. Then I followed his school bus to the Hogle Zoo and got to be chaperon for him,his good buddy, Jose, and Annie of course. D.J. had so much fun showing off his little sister to all of his classmates. He is so sweet to her. We had just a little more than 2 hours to see all the animals. It was so cute just to watch D.J. and Jose hold hands "so they wouldn't get lost." We had a very speedy look at the animals but it was a blast. Then the boys got back on the bus and went back to school while Annie and I stayed for a few more hours. It was nice to be able to spend one on one time with her. Her favorite was the fox, lemurs, and pretty birds. It was so fun taking her to the zoo for the first time and seeing her watch all the different animals in amazement and wonder. Then David came and spent an hour or two with us. Then it was time to pick D.J. up and he again was so happy to see me pick him up. I really wish I could always be there for him, there is something that just fills your soul when you see your child light up when they see you, the perfect love. I am POSITIVE there is no better feeling. On the way home, D.J. just had sooo much to say (even more than normal). He said how much fun it was that I got to see him and all his friends. To be honest, I had a really good time too. When we got home, David came over and I made dinner and then we went to the park down the street. The kids went in their Power Wheels Jeep (yes I know, my kids are spoiled) and David and I went on Razor scooters. I really felt like taking a nap because of all the running about at the zoo, but once I went out I was happy I did. On the way there, the sun was shinning on my face, the wind softly blowing my hair. My kids were giggling a couple of yards ahead of me. At that moment, with my children giggling, my "almost" ex-husband tail-gating them, I just caught a glimpse of complete contentment. It took me by surprise, honestly. I just know that everything will be OK and that everything happens for a reason. I am so incredibly grateful for my children, I don't know what I would do without them. They are EVERYTHING for me. I don't know what I did to deserve them, but I feel so blessed to be their mother. Everything they are, everything they will be, everything they make me, I am so lucky.

Black Butt

So about a week ago D.J. was sitting infront of the sliding glass door fully clothed, letting the sun beat on him. "He asked "The sun will make me dark, right?" "Yes it will, but you have to show the sun your skin," I replied. I went about my business, doing laundry, picking up toys, etc. Then I came back downstairs and burst into hysterical laughter as I saw D.J. He was laying face down infront of the window with his pants pulled down past his butt! Keep in mind, all other parts of his body were completely covered. "What on earth are you doing D.J.?" "Trying to get my butt black, mom!" He said it so matter-of-factly, like 'duh--what else would I be doing.'

Just to give you a little background on his obsession with his butt;
When he was about 3 years old, he realized that he was a little darker than mommy. He was pretty upset and actually cried saying that he wanted to be white like mommy and not dark like daddy. I told him that his color is beautiful and that God made him that way because he wanted him to be cute. He still was upset about it for several months. Then one day he noticed that his hiney was really white. He said, "Wow, Mom!!! My butt is soooo white! I like it!" Then he was ok about it. A year or so later, he noticed that his cousins (who are half black) were nice and dark. Since then he has always wanted to get his butt dark like them... I guess he finally found a way!