Friday, August 13, 2010
Ok, I feel a bit exposed in this post...
In the beginning I had hope, that everything was for a reason and that I would be able to live my life in the way that I should, the way that I could and would. It was so hard for me to think of bringing another child into this world without knowing how I was going to provide for you, and my other two children, and myself. But I had hope. Hope for what the future could bring, of how bright it could be, of how peaceful it could be. I knew how it could be but was still having trouble seeing it. But that is how most things are in life, first faith, then blessings are sure to come. Soon my hope turned to faith, however small it may have been. And just when I felt so emotionally drained, weak, achy, in pain from being pregnant, and at my whit's end with it all, I knew without a doubt that this was all supposed to happen. I think I had to get to my lowest point before I could grow... It is kind of weird, I can't really explain it very well, but it was like a light finally turned on and I was able to see what little things that I was stumbling on in the dark. It was so clear... Just the same way that D.J. and Annie were supposed to come to me, so were you. I named you Clara, which means "brilliantly clear." It is so brilliantly clear why I have you, why I have my D.J. and Annie, why everything has happened the way it has. Clara, I love you with all my heart. I love everything about you, you are so smiley and such a good baby!!! I feel like you have always been here, and I honestly feel a little sheepish for not understanding the whole picture until a month before I brought you into the world. I know that I will be able to support my little family. I have been blessed so much. I have gotten into nursing school, something that has been on my goal list for literally years. It is a good profession and I am sooo excited for it. But it means more to me than just a career, it is a means to an end. It means that I CAN do this! I can provide for you, and it will all be ok! I love my family and I love my life. I wouldn't change any part of it for anything in this world.